Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The DREADED reunion

As angina can send a 50 year old man into a mid-life crisis, a high school reunion can send a twenty something into a quarter-life crisis. As I am currently going through the trauma of a ten year high school reunion, the idea doesn’t fill me with happy memories of dances, sporting events, or graduation. Nor does a reunion make my heart warm and fuzzy with anticipation of reconnecting with all the characters that played out various scenes during my adolescence. Let’s face it: if we cared that much about each other – we’d still be connecting a decade later.

No, a high school reunion fills me with dread, stress, anticipation and envy of those around me. I’ve always joked that at a high school reunion while others introduced their spouses and shared pictures of their children, while talking “shop,” I’d be in the back with a large drink in my hand, heckling. This had been my plan since university. So of course, I am the one planning this event.

From the moment I started to try to reunite over 200 people, I realized that at the event, I would have nothing to talk to these people about. No spouse. No children. No house, career or interesting travel stories. I am but a lowly retail worker, doing the same job many of my fellow classmates probably did part time when we were in school.

“What have I accomplished in the last ten years,” is the only thing that has been running through my head.

Heading straight into a reunion has made me think that during the past ten years, I never truly lived, so an obituary could be written of my twenties.

Sarah’s personality 1997-2007

Sarah finished high school, partied, eventually earned a BA, then college
Diploma. She feverishly spent what little money she earned in her retail job on shoes, liquor and hair care products.

Having never found a career that would allow her to move out of her parents’ house, her personality died on Poplar Drive.

She is survived by 137 pairs of shoes and we be greatly missed at her local Tim Hortons and downtown bar.


Because of this reunion I find myself having panic attacks. I keep thinking I have less than 12 months to make something of myself. And while my knowledge of the local bus schedule is fascinating and only matched by my ability to recite every episode of Dawson’s Creek (yes, including the college years), I am not prepared to show up at the very reunion I am planning with nothing to talk about.

Because of this stress, I have made a plan. Several plans. And I hope this list may help any of you out there, who like me, get dizzy at the thought of facing the judgmental peers of years past. And it you are not close to your reunion, I encourage you to read on; trust what this professional t-shirt folder has to say: preemptive measures need to be set in motion before attending an event like this. Consider yourself warned and lucky to have me.

Accomplish any of these things and you won’t have to fear a reunion, you can enjoy being the toast of your class. Baby pictures and the cost of house insurance? Please, such trivial things.

1. Become Notorious Courtesy of Reality T.V.

Being a reality show contestant not only allows you to be beamed into living rooms across the country, but it’s cost effective: you don’t pay to play and you can win notoriety and a small fortune. Think about it: while you may loathe the players on these shows, when they go to their high school reunion, every classmate has told someone they went to school with them. And you can be that reality show contestant that spends the whole night having their picture taken.

Personally, I have tried this one. But during the audition process, realizing I would never make the show, nonetheless win, I feared being one of the fools the show pokes fun at. It was too close to the reunion and thus, was a risk I couldn’t take.

2. Become a world record holder

This method isn’t for the faint of heart or last minute reunion attendees. Either you train for years to become a world class athlete or you do something insane like sleeping in a box of hundreds of snakes, to grab a Guinness World Record.

If you feel this title holder route is for you, I suggest World Boggle champion, or air guitar. Maybe not prestigious but you can lord your world record title over the bankers and teachers at the reunion. Once word spreads at the event, it will make you the interesting anecdote everyone will tell the co-workers the next work day.

3. Stage a military coup

The degree of difficulty varies depending on what country you decide to take over. But if you pick one ripe for the taking, do it right before the reunion; being headline news in the days leading to the actual reunion will ensure you are the talk of the event. Bad planning may result in your dictatorship running short, leaving you to be a side bar in the paper and at the reunion. Note, that because of the International Court and laws, leaving your new country to go to the reunion is out of the question. You’ll have to sit at the helm of political strife with the hopes that your name badge going un-used at the reunion has people talking. Most likely about your grades in such subjects as Geography and Political Science.

If all else fails, you can use my current plan as a backup. Hire a male escort to act like your wealthy, Doctors without Borders fiancé. Not only will you be the envy of every girl, and some guys, you graduated with, you and your escort will fall madly in love, giving you the best story for your twenty year high school reunion.

What? It always seems to work in the movies…………..

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Phil and JMadd Story

So below is the winning story on my friends. This story written by yours truly helped the couple win their wedding photographer! This is eveidence to the contrary that I am not cynical all the time. Just most of it.
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When you meet Jessica, it is her mannerisms, her way of storytelling and infectious laughter that draws you to her. Always ready to listen when you need to speak, to help you up when you fall, to pat you on the back when you need encouragement, I consider her more than a friend, she is family. Over the years we have seen her enter bad relationship after bad relationship. To see a person with such a big heart, not find the right man to fill it, had dampened the spirit of all her friends.

Phil, standing at 6’7, is an imposing figure. Built to be a bouncer, better suited in his role as teacher, once you get to know him he is less Andre the Giant and more a cuddly teddy bear. He wears an invisible armour to protect his heart that comes from a loss when he was very young. Before he had entered the troubling teenage years, Phil’s father passed away from cancer, leaving his mother to raise three young boys and those boys to become the men of the house. And while he keeps his emotions highly guarded, there is one alarming trait that he can’t seem to camouflage: when he looks at Jessica, you know that he is truly in love; that she is his happily ever after.

When they met five years ago we were happy that Jessica had found a guy that she not only got along very well with, but that we all got along with. And while things progressed – taking vacations, moving in together – there was one thing that stood in the way of their bliss: marriage.

It was a year before they met that Phil had faced one of the darkest times in his life. He had proposed to his ex-girlfriend on Christmas Day, ready to ring in the New Year to a new life with her. But weeks before the wedding they had planned, she walked away from their relationship. Leaving the church booked, the RSVP’s received and Phil a broken and changed man.

Jessica came into her relationship with Phil knowing only one thing about marriage: that one day she would be happily involved in one. Her parents valued marriage and family and passed that on to her. In this generation of only thinking about oneself, Jessica spends every Saturday having tea with her grandparents. She knew that they also held marriage in esteem and she respected their opinion about her relationship. Having grown up in this wonderful family that reminds you of a fifties television series most of us only dreamed of living, Jessica felt it was time to discuss the future of their relationship. It was then that the rocky road to the alter began.

Disillusioned by the idea of marriage being an institution that Jessica was programmed to believe by her parents and society, Phil did not propose. The elephant that was marriage was always in the room. The discussions about getting married always got heated between them, with the end result being tears but no resolution. Phil had opened his broken heart to begin the relationship with Jessica and the idea of marriage brought fears of another rejection. Jessica on the other hand wondered if she could ever convince Phil that she was not his ex-fiancé. She worried that the damage had been done, that Phil wouldn’t put himself out there to be hurt again.

As I write this, they have been engaged for a week. The elephant gets all the attention now. Once a forbidden topic, the wedding day seems to be the only thing Phil can now talk about. He epitomizes the idea of second chances. What once almost tore the fiancés apart, is bringing them closer together. It was the week before her grandfather passed away from cancer that Phil had bought the ring to propose to Jessica. And while other brides and grooms fill their days dreaming of what dress to wear and the perfect wedding favor, they have unselfishly decided to dedicate their wedding day to not only those that cannot be there - her grandfather, his father – but to the family that stood by them. There was no discussion about where to have the ceremony; the uncle who had stepped into the place his father should have been, is not able to travel far, so the ceremony would be close to him. And although they could have chosen the spring season that symbolizes rebirth, or a summer month to leave more time for planning and guaranteed pretty sun filled pictures, with the blessing of her grandmother, they will have the wedding in December. It will be a year after her family gathered in Halifax to bury and say goodbye to their patriarch. It will be a time to remember that family is the most important ingredient to any wedding ceremony. And while they know that favors make a wedding pretty, donating that money to help find a cure for the disease that took the people they love is more important.

Fairytales are wonderful to believe in, but hard to make work in real life. The fantasy we commit to heart as children, what we understand to be what love truly is –never transpires. Instead, in the trials of relationships we learn that our hearts our fragile and that our egos are easily bruised. But if we are lucky, once in our lifetime comes a person who makes all of that worth going through. I know this, because I have witnessed it in my two friends. And while they are teachers, not war heroes; are healthy not sick, I think they deserve to win this contest because they have taught me that there will be bumps in the road, but that they can be surpassed. They inspire me to look towards the future and not stop at the first, second or third obstacle. Most importantly, they have made me believe in a new, modern fairytale: besides kissing a lot of toads, your Prince Charming is out there, and if you are willing to work on the relationship, before you know it Once Upon a Time happens to us all.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Is Desperation in Fashion?

A Globe and Mail article last year said the problem recent university graduates have of finding gainful employment, can only be blamed on them; the Globe and Mail said that if we, the people who basically sold our souls to student loan creditors, would take more entry level jobs in corporations, we could work our way up. Did this national paper mean answering phones at our MNC of choice? No, they meant folding tshirts at the GAP. Buy your soul back, by living pay cheque to pay cheque, all the while promising your next lifes soul to Lucifer in exchange of getting the hell out of the mall.

As I feel trapped in this (btw, thats the LAST time I take the Globe's advice) I have found that there are more BA's, BSc's, BComm's located in your local mall then you might realize. And some of these people have opted to take this route. Have they even inched up the food chain in their stores corporation? No. But they are comfortable behind the mall lease line, they like the daily interaction with (no believe me, not customers), the other managers and assitant managers of the other stores who also lament about their "useless" degrees.

It makes me sad more than anything. I want nothing more than to work in the fashion industry and that desperation has led me to the mall. A place I would once shop and remind myself I would never work. Just on that fact, if I am not CEO of this leading womens retailer by the time this blog is published I'm suing the Globe.

So remember, the next time you decide to hunt to the bottom of the pile of neatly folded clothes, the person giving you the evil eye of retail death, has more to offer than starting a fitting room for you.