Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The DREADED reunion

As angina can send a 50 year old man into a mid-life crisis, a high school reunion can send a twenty something into a quarter-life crisis. As I am currently going through the trauma of a ten year high school reunion, the idea doesn’t fill me with happy memories of dances, sporting events, or graduation. Nor does a reunion make my heart warm and fuzzy with anticipation of reconnecting with all the characters that played out various scenes during my adolescence. Let’s face it: if we cared that much about each other – we’d still be connecting a decade later.

No, a high school reunion fills me with dread, stress, anticipation and envy of those around me. I’ve always joked that at a high school reunion while others introduced their spouses and shared pictures of their children, while talking “shop,” I’d be in the back with a large drink in my hand, heckling. This had been my plan since university. So of course, I am the one planning this event.

From the moment I started to try to reunite over 200 people, I realized that at the event, I would have nothing to talk to these people about. No spouse. No children. No house, career or interesting travel stories. I am but a lowly retail worker, doing the same job many of my fellow classmates probably did part time when we were in school.

“What have I accomplished in the last ten years,” is the only thing that has been running through my head.

Heading straight into a reunion has made me think that during the past ten years, I never truly lived, so an obituary could be written of my twenties.

Sarah’s personality 1997-2007

Sarah finished high school, partied, eventually earned a BA, then college
Diploma. She feverishly spent what little money she earned in her retail job on shoes, liquor and hair care products.

Having never found a career that would allow her to move out of her parents’ house, her personality died on Poplar Drive.

She is survived by 137 pairs of shoes and we be greatly missed at her local Tim Hortons and downtown bar.


Because of this reunion I find myself having panic attacks. I keep thinking I have less than 12 months to make something of myself. And while my knowledge of the local bus schedule is fascinating and only matched by my ability to recite every episode of Dawson’s Creek (yes, including the college years), I am not prepared to show up at the very reunion I am planning with nothing to talk about.

Because of this stress, I have made a plan. Several plans. And I hope this list may help any of you out there, who like me, get dizzy at the thought of facing the judgmental peers of years past. And it you are not close to your reunion, I encourage you to read on; trust what this professional t-shirt folder has to say: preemptive measures need to be set in motion before attending an event like this. Consider yourself warned and lucky to have me.

Accomplish any of these things and you won’t have to fear a reunion, you can enjoy being the toast of your class. Baby pictures and the cost of house insurance? Please, such trivial things.

1. Become Notorious Courtesy of Reality T.V.

Being a reality show contestant not only allows you to be beamed into living rooms across the country, but it’s cost effective: you don’t pay to play and you can win notoriety and a small fortune. Think about it: while you may loathe the players on these shows, when they go to their high school reunion, every classmate has told someone they went to school with them. And you can be that reality show contestant that spends the whole night having their picture taken.

Personally, I have tried this one. But during the audition process, realizing I would never make the show, nonetheless win, I feared being one of the fools the show pokes fun at. It was too close to the reunion and thus, was a risk I couldn’t take.

2. Become a world record holder

This method isn’t for the faint of heart or last minute reunion attendees. Either you train for years to become a world class athlete or you do something insane like sleeping in a box of hundreds of snakes, to grab a Guinness World Record.

If you feel this title holder route is for you, I suggest World Boggle champion, or air guitar. Maybe not prestigious but you can lord your world record title over the bankers and teachers at the reunion. Once word spreads at the event, it will make you the interesting anecdote everyone will tell the co-workers the next work day.

3. Stage a military coup

The degree of difficulty varies depending on what country you decide to take over. But if you pick one ripe for the taking, do it right before the reunion; being headline news in the days leading to the actual reunion will ensure you are the talk of the event. Bad planning may result in your dictatorship running short, leaving you to be a side bar in the paper and at the reunion. Note, that because of the International Court and laws, leaving your new country to go to the reunion is out of the question. You’ll have to sit at the helm of political strife with the hopes that your name badge going un-used at the reunion has people talking. Most likely about your grades in such subjects as Geography and Political Science.

If all else fails, you can use my current plan as a backup. Hire a male escort to act like your wealthy, Doctors without Borders fiancé. Not only will you be the envy of every girl, and some guys, you graduated with, you and your escort will fall madly in love, giving you the best story for your twenty year high school reunion.

What? It always seems to work in the movies…………..